Days with Granny

Similar to the inspiring book Tuesdays with Morrie I decided to do my own; Days with Granny. The stories of young, ignorant students in search of a deeper understanding through the visits with a terminal ill person.

What’s capable of taking many forms, poses a threat, and can appear at any moment? An ending you simply cannot escape, death is inevitable. We like to think we are immortal. However there are constant reminders that tell us otherwise. Sickness is a clear indication that our bodies are fragile. Most people avoid the uncomfortable thoughts of the unknown, and therefore avoid uncomfortable thoughts of being weak, sick, or dying. Which explains my reasoning for being nervous when requesting daily visits to my sick and dying grandmother. It’s a sensitive topic that people choice not to bring up. Since I have rarely ever brought it up with her, I was of sure how she was going to response. I hated to think that our conversation would offend her in some way. I did not want to be that unfriendly challenger of her immortality. This: A pure example of how I was afraid of the upcoming unknown. Thankfully my grandmother gladly agreed to be my interviewed expert. A creditable source and consider an expert because of her newly found lessons through the experience of dying.

The D word

Day one I was thinking about what I wanted to get out of this project. I was talking to an expert now; I wanted to take away as much as I could. But where to start? While making my way to her house I was followed by grey skies and clouds and I began to think how to start the day with her off. It was the type of scenery that matched the overall theme of my investigation. I began to back my thoughts all the way to the beginning, my thought process beginning. I began to think about where these ideas about death originate. As children we are mostly shielded away from death. No one ever brings it up; no one ever wants to talk about it. Movies are restricted for those under aged. That what age is it ok to know? Is there a right time for an explanation? I remember one of the first thoughts I had about dying. I thought of sleeping almost as being dead, I continued to think that really being dead simply meant you never woke up. I was drowned in the feeling of emptiness. For weeks I was afraid to sleep. Would it have been easier for me to cope if my mother had just explained it to me? Maybe. Then again how does one go about explaining something like death a subject they know very little about? I asked granny if her experience was any similar to mine. While my thoughts were generated just by brain storming, hers initial started with the death of a dog. Trixy was her name. She died of old age in her sleep on Sunday morning. My granny, 8 years old, was in shock, emotionless state of shock. Her mother’s views persuaded my granny to think their now dead dog was somewhere else in a better place.

“I’m going to die soon…it will not be to much longer until that me your talking about in the better place.” My granny turned and said to me. Not fully paying attention I was now. She failed to sugar code it at all. I couldn’t help myself but I snapped, Don’t Say That. She found my denial humorous. At 96 years old she explained, “allowing myself to die happened when I just couldn’t do the same things I used to.” I felt sorry for sorry for the both of us. In my defense though I was trying to practice a method I thought to be more positive. Like Beth tried. I did not like using words like dying, or death around her, simply because we know there is some truth behind those words. So not saying them makes it less likely. I think Morrie says it perfectly when he describes, “Everyone knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it.” (p.81) It seems as though in the back of our minds we know we are going to die but we choose to ignore it. We comfort ourselves by pretending its not going to happen, least not for a while. That is exactly what I was attempting to do in this case, weather I was aware of it at the time or not.

Couch potato

I sat at her feet, watched her and listening as she told me her story. “I was sick for it was on quiet some time before I thought to really do anything about it.” Similar to Erik’s story, my grandmother went to the doctor only when her pain was unbearable. After the tests, the paperwork, hours of waiting, a doctor informed her and her family that she had cancer. No one needed to say anything else for them to know the end was closing in., “I accepting being able to die long ago, this was just a push over that edge.” Once just in for a check up and now a terminally ill patient. She looked down at me, widened her eyes to make her I comprehended her distinction, “I wasn’t sick, I was dying.” Getting sick and dying is packaged in with living, so what makes an ill patient, “terminal ill”? Mayo clinic has defined a terminally ill patient as one whose life expectancy is estimated to be six months or less. That is assuming the disease plays out the normal expected course. Which makes me wonder: how does one copes with knowing the time frame of their death? How do you, Granny cope with knowing your going to die? Faced with the same challenger of immortality, Morrie asks himself “Do I wither up and disappear, or do I make the best of my time left?” (p.10) He can let the disease slowly take over turning him into a vegetable or he can make a final accomplishment with the time he has left. Most of us believe we would try and make the best of our last months of living. However I also think that most of us wouldn’t. Do we have to be sick to appreciate being healthy? Do we have to experience some event with death to appreciate life? There was not much now my grandmother was capable of. At this point, her goal was to go out happy.

It was on Day two I met Cinda. She is responsible for making my grandmothers life as easy and comfortable as possible. Through her coverage of Medicare Granny was provided with routine home care. I did not fully understand my Granny’s situation until further research. Hospices were said to have originated in the 11th century, around year 1065. The terminally ill were put into designated placed for treatment by the Crusaders. Cinda was hired shortly after the diagnoses. She comes by everyday and is sent home when my grandmother lets her. My grandmother admitted openly that she liked having that sense of control in her life. We laughed as I picked up an unflattering picture of our whole family. I could have turned in any direction and would have seen a picture of someone in our family. They were everywhere. I rephrased my question a million times in my head before asking it. I wanted to know why Cinda? Why was this stranger here everyday as suppose to one of the many people in our family? It seemed like my grandmother had anticipated my question. She turned to me and smiled, “a bad day in home health, is still better than a good day in the hospital.” She knew her family members lives did not stop for her sickness. Refusing to be poked at in a hospital my grandmother wanted to be at home. A recent study conducted by the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute found that patients with cancer who died in ICUs or hospitals were ones who experienced more physical and emotional distress at the end of life than those who were treated at home. (Krasny) With as much experience as me babysitting Cinda is here everyday taking care of my grandmother until she dies. “But don’t worry that included the connecting machinery, plastic food, and smelly sheets you wear.” My grandma joked.

The line up

Day three, I found my grandmother in the same place as the last time. She said in the chair by the window, her frail body barely making a dent in the brown colored couch. I was pleased to see her happy with me there. “Its amazing what a little young positive energy can do” she says to me. Which make me think why it happens so rarely. One hour of my time makes this woman happy for days. A dose of young healthy energy lightens the burden of dying. And yet, in our society the sick are isolated with the sick and more sick. That really can’t help the already present situation.

I walked over to find my grandmother holding a picture. An old black and white one of a young, beautiful lady in a dress, “This is me.” she exclaimed. I took in gently, afraid it mind crumble to pieces with to much force, and examined the faded edges. She uncovered this picture to tell her next story. Fully aware of my illness and dying unit, Granny racked her brain so she could share any bit of helpful information. Mostly working off of personally experience she talked to me about her mother, a health care system, and a funeral.

Speaking slowly and with pauses in between my grandmother told me about my great great grandmother who had died. She died of old age at 60. My grandmother went to the funeral and say her last name craved neatly on the top, “it was unreal, seeing my name written on the tomb stone…I knew I was next.” I had chills as she recaptured her breath from all the talking we were doing. She continued, “I fought my way out of getting old.” Only to realize it’s a guarantee, fighting about the things that are inevitable is not worth it. Death is such a foreign and distance concept to us. We do not know when it happens or how it happens, and not knowing is the scariest part. We together fill that emptiness feeling with thoughts that are comforting. Ideas that suggest there is a better place we are sent to. People have so many different theories. Granny believes in one I have never thought of. Like most she believes in heaven, and hell. The only difference is that she believes hell is right here; it is the world we reside in today. Theoretically we come to earth to learn the lessons we need to, then we die and are sent back to heaven. It’s all apart of a cycle, that people do over and over. I was assured that I would be seeing more of granny, not only in this life time but in many more.

STEWART, BARBARA . "Final Days, at Home." New York Times (1997): n. pag. Web. 17 Jan 2011.

Krasny, Ros. "Costs spike when terminally ill leave hospice: study." CFA institution (2010): n. pag. Web. 17 Jan 2011.

Our Practices

Paying for Medical Care

Health care first took form through Babylonian merchants used in order to insure goods. Evolving immensely to a system where Americans began paying a fee for service. As more time passed, everything grew furiously; hospitals began to raise their fees, growing in size (technonoglly, people), and decreasing level of services. Many times patients could not afford these highly priced fees. Qualified for bankruptcy Hospitals were in trouble. Therefore a change was made: people could pay 50 cents a month to hospitals in return for 20 days of “free” care within the initiation. This worked for hospitals, because they were content with the import of money. It worked for people as well because they were assured hospitals stays. Due to a successful new system, private companies adjusted their methods to supplying work places with the same type of coverage.

Now in a new battle of health care. Health insures pick and choice those whom they want to coverage. Making profit is the first most important priority of health insures. This is better supported with Michael Moore’s film titled Sicko. This movie provides examples of families, individuals and work places covered and not covered. It demonstrates the parallels between Americans healthcare system to others system of universal care. Millions of Americans are denied coverage. A mother of one diagnosed with cancer was not allowed treatment for being “to sick.” She found a solution in going to Canada and getting the coverage and treatment she needed there. She did it without waiting to long, without to much hassle. On the other end Millions of American cannot afford to keep up with the coverage they have. As shown in the movie a middle class employed couple found themselves faced with serious health conditions. Together they could not afford the costs and were forced out of their home and into their child’s.

Obama came into office promising change with a main focus on universal healthcare. He approached the issue by saying " everyone must be heard.” Obama a long with a keyboard of people who all were equipped with prior knowledge and have worked in office before try and reform healthcare. Obama addresses a problem with health care companies after they spend ten of millions of dollars to defect the healthcare reform, by addressing to the public that healthcare providers are "funding studies to mislead American people." A passing healthcare plan is in effective take place. However with republican’s new power, there is a movement to have the plan revised or annulled.

Isolation:

Isolation: alone, physically separated from others. It plays a major role in the dying process of the patient and the patients loved ones. From personal and first hand experiences I believe when people are sick they usually chose to isolate themselves; from other people, and from the outside world. Not only them but also sometimes the people close to them isolated themselves away as well. At times it can be a challenge to be around sick people. Especially if they are ones we love, people do not like to see when others are uncomfortable or in pain. Although doctors and hospitals might not be always being necessary it provides people with a sense of comfort. The ill get the satisfaction that they are close to people who have the ability to give them treatment. The others are provided with a sense of comfort knowing that the person they care for is in a place where they can potential receive treatment. So the sick is placed with the other sick, while the willing healthy tend to them. Weather it be isolation at home, or an institution like a hospital or nursing home, it’s all the same.

Goffman’s STIGMA claims the normal response to others with stigma is the commonly shared belief that they are not quiet human. People do what they can to stay presentable. It is ingrained in people that one needs to represent themselves in such a way that is acceptable. At time “ When one becomes near death or ill, others treat him/her as if they are from a different planet visiting our world. We treat them differently when compared to our treatment of others.” When people are sick they lose their cover, often times they look unaccepted, and repellent. Which provides a justification for a stigmatized individual to keep the sick isolated.

Facing Terminal Illness:

A terminal illness comes with knowing it’s the end. With a terminal illness the person has no better choice than to be ok with it. However people approach it in many different ways. Some chose to grief in sadness. As hard as it may be some can accept the fact that their time is quickly running out, do what they can to make the best of it. Like the main character in Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie diagnosed with a terminal disease. Not ashamed or quiet about it, Morrie embraces death. He is surprisingly comfortable talking about death to anyone who is curious. Making his disease somewhat of a public event he was visited by many. He was considered an expert source of the process of death, “its natural to die.” (173) Morrie accepted that this time was quickly coming to an end, and the best way to handle it was to accept, “Everything’s that gets born, dies. (170)

Unlike Morrie, some find the topic of death to daunting. Some people chose to cover up the fact of illness, and ignore the outcome of death. Beth’s thought it was better not to use words related to death, dying with her dying husband. Her philosophy was to remain positive about life. While it is inevitable in all forms of life, death can be an uncomfortable topic. People chose to handle dying in different ways, without any evidence to which one is better.

Getting sick

Erik did not take action to improve his physical health until it got to its worst point. People are different when they are sick. Like Erik, tending to an illness is not most people first priorities. We constantly convince ourselves our bodies are fine, by adjusting our attitude and covering up our weaknesses, and sense of mortality. We do not want to lose our face, to running noses, alarming coughing.

Similar of waiting until the last minute to address illness, “Death is rarely spoken of or foreseen until shortly before it occurs.” (Sharon)

Kaufman, Sharon R. And A Time to Die: How American Hospitals shape the end of life. Simon & Schuster New York 2005

COMMENTS

Dear Johnny,

I appreciate your piece. i wrote about visiting my grandmother too. you have a tendency to describe the physical aspect as to what was happening as well as the emotional one, "I feel as though i need to make her life easier any way possible for that sickness must make her life really difficult. "

my favorite part was when you wrote: "Even though these stories usually take hours i don't mind one bit and actually enjoy them because i cherish the time i have with my grandmother because any day colud be her last." It seems to me you were more happy about having that time with her than hearing/listening to the stories. i know i felt that way about the times i went to visit with my grand mother. Now if this is the same for you, but i appreciate it more because i know she is sick. im happy i went to visit her on so many occasion, i also feel grateful especially now because we know time to quickly becoming more limited.

good piece

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Younger sister, Hadley 16

Arden, Amazing post. This made a million thoughts run through my head. This was very interesting.
I know exactly how you feel, (considering that she is my grandmother as well). I felt as if your writing came from your heart, you were easy to understand and honest with the reader. I absolutly love the last line! Personally i think about that all the time, how your goodbye might actually be your last. great job.Another line that i love is:
"We are all in the same boat, faced with the scary idea of limited living time, talking about death, accepting it I think makes it easier. But that’s just me."
Not only do i agree with you, but this line makes me wonder how people always think about themselves when someone dies, like, what is going to happen in MY future? How will I feel when this person is gone? How will I handle all of this? These questions would/do run through my head too, but no one really stops to think how the person dying may feel about all of this. You did a nice job capturing your thoughts as well as what you think our great grandma is thinking about her time left with us. Once again, great job, very inspiring!!!

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Ben,

Nice post! i enjoyed the way you included so many different sources that we covered from our class. The writing was well done, but a line that really stood out to me from all the others was, "Not to say that they weren't, but there is no way that they could have been as happy as they looked knowing that their old friend was going to die soon. " when i read this i thought about the way we feel when we are around ill and dying people. i felt as though we consistently look for ways to keep ourselves comfortable in the situation. i hear people say "they are going to a better place" or reminders about how its only natural. The ill/dying person seems to do the same.

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What a well written, insightful, and heartfelt commentary. You made me think about my own limited lifespan and that of my family around me. Immediately after reading it, I gave my youngest child a hard hug. He pushed me away with "Mommmmmm!" but it didnt phase me. Arden, your essay blog made me pause and reflect. Not an easy thing to do in the hectic lives we all lead.

Janet Pouchot

A unwell friend

My great grandmother is 96 years old. 96 YEARS OLD! The oldest most interesting person I know. I can honestly say I really do enjoy our visits and conversations. She talks about living in the great depression, rights of women, race, styles of clothing. She isn’t shy, or hesitant, she talks to me with full truth. I admire this quality about her. That is except for the few times when she talks about things like bodily functions and such, then I’m just plain uncomfortable.

Now my grandma has cancer. A tumor found in her stomach. Although no body says it bluntly, we all share a common knowing that this is the end. I love my grandma very much, but in all due respect the situation does not feel that bad. My grandma is 96, she has lived almost a century now. She has experienced most of what she can, and my family can accept that her time is quickly running out.

Over break I went to visit her. Mostly just wanting to see her, but partially for the assignment. In the five-minute car ride there my dad more or less told me to be careful with what I say. He advised me to stay about from topics like dying, death, and hospitals. I guess he figured that keeping the ideas out of our heads and her head would make the journey a little less emotionally painful? I’m not sure why but this is when I felt partially sad. It is like Beth Barnett and her husband Erik. Like my dad she thought it would be better to use 100% positive thinking and so refused to every use words relating to death or dying. Now I don’t necessarily agree with that. We are all in the same boat, faced with the scary idea of limited living time, talking about death, accepting it I think makes it easier. But that’s just me.

We pulled up to the symmetrical apartment building complex. My grandmothers assistant greeted us at the door, almost the same way she answered the phone when I called to confirm that we were coming over. Her assistant takes on most of the jobs now. (After my grandmother refused to live in a nursing home, my family hired an assistant to be with her.) My family did that to make her more comfortable. They did not want her being alone in case something happened or she needed anything. However they also did not want to be the one who was there all the time.

I walking in and hugged my grandma. I did it gently barely really touching her. She was weak and frail and I was really afraid I was going to hurt her. She was so little; the chair she sat in cradled her. Her hair was pure white, some of her wrinkles enlarged by her glasses. I immediately got a whiff of that smell. You know, the smell of age. It didn’t make me uncomfortable, I expected it. I took my seat beside her. I partially screamed when I told her about school, my unit about dying. Remembering what my dad had said I tried to change the subject, but I found that she did not mind talking about it. We didn’t go into detail but she notified me that she knew she was dying. My grandma had no choice but to be ok with it. I keep things simply; I asked her how she felt. I did know how to response when she said, “I feel my body disintegrating more everyday.” It felt like someone threw a think blanket over me. This was our heaviest conversation yet.

The hardest part about this visit was saying goodbye. Goodbye? Defined as “a conventional expression used at leave-taking or parting with people.” I mean say it all the time. (That rhymes) I say it so causally, throwing it around at the end of every conversation. I have never said a goodbye knowing that it might actually be my last.

Tuesdays with Morrie- Its always a losing battle against getting odd, by accepting the limited amount of time one has will allow for a more fulfilling live

Beth Bernett- For most, health is not a top priority and people convince themselves they are fine. Its is only when their condition becomes unbearable do they then seek medical attention

Sicko- The health insurance system is flawed in the sense that not everyone has access to healthcare, and people with health care cannot easily afford it.

Near Death- Doctors make patients look better to make it easier on families to deal with and claim they are doing everything they can in their power.

All of these sources offered insight to dying and illness, however they all had different representations. I enjoyed the movies Sicko and Near Death because they were visual demonstrations of some of the dominant social practices in our society. I found the movies to be bias, focusing in one a single argument and running with it to far. While this source was verbal and visual I prefer meeting with to Beth. Talking with Beth about the death of her husband was an example of a personal experience. I enjoyed hearing from Beth because it was a more personal/ emotional representation of illness and dying. This source of insight I found to be at a much deeper and meaningful level. It was the most memorable for me in this unit and therefore I think the most effective.

I recently discovered that my great aunt was a woman who did not believe in the use of modern medicine. She rarely took her children or herself to see a doctor. She lived her life with practices that were "all natural." Her children grew up and redirected their lives in fully accepting allopathic methods. I think it is strangely interesting my aunt’s dissatisfaction of modern medicine. It would be interesting (at least for me) to learn more about these holistic methods but also the way of living. My aunt chose to live that way because her philosophy was to only use natural ways of healing, and any other method was derailing the way of life. I’m curious other peoples perspectives on the use of modern medicine, based off their thoughts, maybe religion.

Sicko

Precis: in terms of healthcare Americas health insurance hurts more people than it does help. That is compared to other places around the world. Most People in America do not have access to affordable healthcare.

Evidence:

I. The healthcare system is primary based around capitalism where the objective of big healthcare companies is to get rich.

• What parent wants to move in with their child? The very first couples shown in the movie, Larry and Dona Smith were forced to do so. Two hard working individuals both supplied with healthcare. All until one was overcome with heart attacks and the other suffered from cancer. Medical bills piled up despite their insurance coverage. They needed so much money they could no longer afford to owe their home. Getting sick is not affordable even with healthcare.
• Almost 80 years old and still working hard cleaning bathrooms. The only reason he stills works is because this job provides him with healthcare. Without it, he has no other opinions due to the mere fact there is no way to afford it. Healthcare companies do not make healthcare easily accessible to people.

II. Healthcare providers and politicians tell the public what they want them to believe.

• In a article published in the New York Times the author sheds light on the topic so positively talked about by politicians. Initially starting by a claim made my Giuliani where he explains America’s “best medical care in the world. The movie Sicko was brought up to mention the United States healthcare. Although the author spent time critiquing Sicko, for its representation of healthcare in other countries as perfect the author mostly agreed. He questions America’s healthcare using both facts and observations. The author points out the shocking number of “45 million people without health insurance” in America, which does not include the people with poor healthcare. He also mentions the nonexistence technologic advances dealing with patient paperwork, we “still operating in the dark ages of paper records and handwritten scrawls” World’s Best Medical Care?." New York Times(2007): n. pag. Web. 20 Dec 2010. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/12/opinion/12sun1.html

I thought Sicko was interesting. As I’m sure many of the people who have seen it would have thought the way. For reasons being that we are simply unaware. Once again these issues are hidden behind a veil that’s easy to see through but no one choices to. Politicians, healthcare providers go about their busy and tell the public what they want them to believe. This movies points out the clear fundamental issues with the healthcare in the united states regarding the cost, access and how much is actually done.

Tuesdays with Morrie III

Tuesdays With Morrie

By: Mitch Albom

Publisher: Random House

Year published: 1997

Precis: We are all just small fractions apart of something bigger.

"We are afraid of the sight of death...people act as if death is contagious" pg 171

People are afraid of the sight of death because it reminds them that one day it will be them. Most people avoid the uncomfortable thoughts of the unknown. It goes back to the idea of isolation. Weathers it’s an institution, or just a room the sick are isolated. People tend to stay away in order to not get sick. The dying is also isolated from others, sent to a hospital, maybe another intuition like a nursing home. Once again, people are content sending the dying away to avoid any experience with facing death. Even further evidence of isolation are cemeteries, used to isolate the dead from everyone else.

“That’s what we’re all looking for. A certain peace with the idea of dying. If we know, in the end, that we can ultimately have that peace with dying, then we can finally do the really hard thing.” “Which is?” “Make peace with living.” pg 173 if a person can accept the limited time they have, then they potentially will live a more fulfilling life. But I feel as though this idea can go both ways. I think Morrie was so accepting of dying because in the end he was happy with his life. He lived a life, teaching people, forgiving people and addressing his regrets only then was he able to accept dying more willingly.

After finishing the book Tuesdays with Morrie, Im left questioning dying, death, and overall life. Ive read the book before, however reading it with prior knowledge of illness and dying I took away a different impression. i went from feeling a little offended by Morries acceptance of dying, to now blaming some people in the book for making his death somewhat of a public event. After being diagnosed Morrie took on the role of teaching people about dying. He spent time with people who came to vist him and ask questions. But who made him the expert? Does a person have to have a direct experience with facing death to be an expect? This book succeeded in bringing up questions related to our units, ones that probably wont ever get answered but are always up for debate: simply Whats on the “other side”? Where do we go? Do we ever come back?